Sex Matters

This is something I have been thinking about for a while now as I have had several discussions with some of my friends and especially those looking to get married. Sex and intimacy in marriage is something that isn’t really discussed in Muslim communities. It’s treated like a taboo and we’re told it’s dirty or disgusting so we go into marriage with this mentality and it causes so much stress for so many people.

Girls are told it’s a bad thing and boys are told they can have sex all they want when they’re married so we give them no guidance and then leave them alone in a room. This isn’t okay. We can’t drill this into the youth and then wonder why they have marriage issues or issues in intimacy.

We need to be teaching intimacy properly, in Islam it’s an act of worship and we are rewarded for it. So then how can we be treating it like it is something dirty? Just to stop girls from being sexually active outside of marriage we scar them. If it’s an act of worship why aren’t boys taught they also need to satisfy their wives and women have desires too. Why do we tell them that their wife is there to please them but not that they are also there to please her?

We have created a society where we simultaneously say sex is bad but the moment a couple is married everyone is telling them they need to have children. How do you think this is going to happen? They think, baby, and they magically get one? NO! So then why create this environment and turn something beautiful and a way to express love into something that girls will think is disgusting and boys think it is just for their pleasure?

When we do teach about intimacy it is more a list of rules and regulations and while that is absolutely important. Intimacy is more than that and should solely be reduced down to that. It’s a way of expressing love and satisfying each others desires. It should be mutual and both should feel satisfied. Women are especially shamed for thinking about their sexual desires even though it is natural. Every single person has a sex drive and for women to feel shamed by it isn’t healthy. Both men and women need to learn to control their desires but they shouldn’t be shamed for having feelings. So when they go into a marriage that feeling of shame lingers and then the women don’t feel like they can express their desires because it’s a shameful thing to do they often are left unsatisfied and unable to say anything.

We need to learn how to have these conversations with our youth, we need to create an environment where they can ask questions and not be shamed for it. We need to teach them and guide them so they can grow up and create a safe and open environment with their spouses where both are happy and satisfied with the intimacy. I’m tired of hearing how many single women are scared of being intimate or that married women are feeling unsatisfied in their intimate life with their husband and we need to change and do better.

Our Stories, Our Voices Anthology edited by Amy Reed – Book Review

This book is an anthology of essays all about female empowerment and the authors experience of living as a woman in America. I was really excited about this book and I love reading books about female empowerment, both fiction and non-fiction.

Rating: 4/5

Here is what the book is about taken from Goodreads:

From Amy Reed, Ellen Hopkins, Amber Smith, Sandhya Menon, and more of your favorite YA authors comes an anthology of essays that explore the diverse experiences of injustice, empowerment, and growing up female in America.

This collection of twenty-one essays from major YA authors—including award-winning and bestselling writers—touches on a powerful range of topics related to growing up female in today’s America, and the intersection with race, religion, and ethnicity. Sure to inspire hope and solidarity to anyone who reads it, Our Stories, Our Voices belongs on every young woman’s shelf.

This anthology features essays from Martha Brockenbrough, Jaye Robin Brown, Sona Charaipotra, Brandy Colbert, Somaiya Daud, Christine Day, Alexandra Duncan, Ilene Wong (I.W.) Gregorio, Maurene Goo, Ellen Hopkins, Stephanie Kuehnert, Nina LaCour, Anna-Marie McLemore, Sandhya Menon, Hannah Moskowitz, Julie Murphy, Aisha Saeed, Jenny Torres Sanchez, Amber Smith, and Tracy Walker.

It’s really hard to decide what to say about an anthology because there are essentially 21 different essays by different authors and each are unique. But as a general overview this anthology was generally good, I did really enjoy the book and some essays stood out more than others. I think it will be subjective to each of us and our experiences as which essays will resonate with us more.

Some of my favourite essays were by Sandhya Menon, Amy Reed, Aisha Saeed, Anna-Marie McLemore, Sona Charaipotra, Alexandra Duncan and Maureen Goo. These are the stories I resonated with most. I saw a part of me and things I’ve faced in them. And they were really powerful essays for me.

I especially related to the essays that spoke about being a POC and not fitting in because of the colour of your skin or your religion. The assumptions that are made about you because of what you wear, in my case a hijab. People have thought I can’t speak English and are shocked when they learn that I am a physiotherapist or that I run an etsy shop. I’ve been spat at and scared to walk home from school after attending an after school club. So I could really understand what these authors were saying in their essays. From becoming defensive and unable to articulate what you want to say to just wishing that you wouldn’t have to feel afraid of going outside. I remember my parents not wanting me to wear a hijab as it would make me a target.

Okay so that was my personal experience and how I related to these stories. And I know that each one of us will see ourselves in a different essay depending on what our experiences have been growing up.

These essays made me feel angry, sad and it made me feel as though I am not alone and that if us women stood together we can make a difference. They are empowering and give you strength and I really loved that about them.

I think my main issue with the book was that it became very repetitive by the end especially if you read several essays in one go like I did. It became hard for me to differentiate between each authors essays. This isn’t to say that the essays were bad but that it may work better if you read a couple at a time instead of reading them all one after the other. Each essay is different but I think this book is experienced better when read slowly over several days.

I would definitely recommend everyone to read this book as it deals with very important issues especially with everything that is happening in the world at the moment.

The Big Blurtathon – We All Have A Story

Today is The Blurt Foundation’s first Big Blurtathon. The aim of The Big Blurtathon is to raise awareness of mental health and the impact it has on people and to help raise funds for The Blurt Foundation. The theme this year is “we all have a story”.

But first let me tell you who The Blurt Foundation are. They are a social enterprise which exists to help people who are affected by depression. They are dedicated to making a positive social change and increase awareness and provide support for those affected by depression.

So lets get back to the theme of this post. Today I want to share my story with you all. It’s something I’ve been debating about doing since I heard about the blurtathon as I was kind of nervous about sharing what is a difficult topic for me. But I am going to share what I can with you all today.

So I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 2 years ago but I know that I’ve had it for much longer than that. It just took me a very long time to actually seek help. I hid it for many years and I think I got so good at hiding it that it just became my “normal”. But eventually it got so bad that I couldn’t cope with anything anymore and I knew I had to seek help.

I kept it so well hidden that no-one even realised I had anxiety or depression. Everyone just thought I had mood swings and even I didn’t understand what was happening to me until I was about 18. But I was 25 when I first decided that I need to get help. It was probably the most scariest and stressful thing I’ve ever done. But I am proud of myself for finally taking that step.

I have good days and bad days and my mental health is also affected by how I am doing physically. I have 3 prolapsed discs in my lumbar spine and suffer from chronic pain. So one can make the other worse.

I think one of the most difficult things for me was that I had to stop working as physiotherapist, more due to my physical health but I think that’s one of the things that made my mental health deteriorate a lot more too. I’ve slowly come to terms with this now and I’ve started blogging and finding new things to keep me busy and joining the book community. It has helped me to start recovering and I am in a much better place now. It’s been a long road but I am proud of how far I have come.

I have started tentatively speaking to some of my family and friends about my anxiety and depression. I am hoping that as I get more used to speaking about it, it will help break the stigma which was one of the main reasons that I found it difficult to speak about it and seek help.

Even though I’ve struggled a lot with my condition, it’s helped me to become more resilient and persevere despite the circumstances.

So there you have it, this is my story.

Do go and check out the hashtag #weallhaveastory on social media for all the others who have shared their story today and check out The Blurt Foundation for more of their work on their Website and their social media; Twitter, Instagram and Facebook